Mother is a Person too?!

One of my aunts dyed her hair and my cousin was rather displeased with it. “You don’t look like ‘Mom’ anymore”, was his complaint. When you become a ‘Mom’, do you stop being a person? At least in India, I believe that’s what you do. Perhaps it is different elsewhere – perhaps it isn’t; I have seen limited examples at this point.

Speaking for my demographic, I can safely say that mothers are pretty harshly judged for being un-mom-like. That includes – dressing a certain way, prioritizing work over family, prioritizing her social life over family. No, it doesn’t matter if she’s balancing it alright.

There’s a cute children’s joke that is often repeated and enjoyed:

A kid is asked what’s your Mother’s name?

And the kid replies: “Mom!”

It’s adorable when you’re a new Mom and reveling in that identity. But does this at some time become a case of the head that wears a crown? Nobody now remembers a time when you weren’t a Mom. Mothers all over assure me – that it’s never a problem, and maybe it isn’t. I’m not a mother – I do not know.

But I am a daughter. And I know where my perception of Mother falls short of treating her as a person.

I’ve never subscribed to the image of the ‘self-sacrificing’ Mom. No woman should do it and no child should expect it – is my firm opinion. But that said, motherhood – or more generally, parenthood – is not easy. And let’s face it – a thankless and all-consuming job. But Fathers get away better. Men deal with these things differently. Probably if something bothers a father-son duo, they grunt and walk away from it. And that’s that. Women are rather more exacting. Women are unforgiving. Every little girl aspires to be her Mother when she grows up. And when that little girl does become an adult and sees the clay feet of the idol she worships, she never forgives that woman for treason.

We are so used to see mothers as mothers, that the fact they could have personalities of their own is often a rude surprise. By that I do not mean the limited purview of Fashion and Social Life. Maybe Mom is talkative and that doesn’t sit well with your new friends. Do you change Mom? Do you change Friends? Do you accept that it will be the way it is? Is it terrible that this even bothers you? After all, Mom never questioned the way you turned out? She always thought and thinks you’re awesome! Best thing that happened to the world!

And what about being human? What about this God-like Mom persona eclipsing everything human about her? Maybe she’s a gossip… Maybe she’s too emotional (growing worse by the year) … Can I accept her human failings? Is she allowed that?

Maybe her life wasn’t all that she wanted. Just like me – she has some unfulfilled desires. Is she allowed to speak of that? Is she allowed to hold grudges? Do I have the patience for it in my many pursuits of the present?

Someday, if she is not strong enough to follow the lessons she taught me – can I see it as her second childhood? Can I indulge her? Take this one chance I have of pampering her?

It's not just words...

Glass ceilings exist, and so do men and women who champion for promising female employees. But is that it? I have always felt, there is something else, something different – that can be a Game Changer in how a woman sees herself in the Organization. But I was unable to put my finger on that elusive ‘something’.

In the Indian context, if you are a woman desirous of climbing up the corporate ladder, you receive one piece of advice repeatedly – ‘Prepare to fight’. It’s not even a bad piece of advice; quite practical and quite relevant. And yet – there had to be something else, something different – something that makes a change in ‘who you are’; not ‘what you do’. But I was never able to quite articulate what that was.

I looked expectantly at senior women managers to point out what that could be. While some were examples in themselves, and some provided ceiling smashing opportunities to women of caliber – that soft little detail eluded me. As a leader myself, I have tried to encourage girls to come forward... take up opportunities… and yet I felt I fell short of giving them the confidence they needed. Until I found it – one week ago – in South Africa.

An Onsite deployment brought me to a customer in South Africa; and the Manager happened to be a woman. In my informal induction while she explained the contribution she expected from me, she said, “I want you to feel empowered”.

6.simple.words.

And they gave me wings!

I’m sure many a Women Empowerment Forum has spoken something similar. But if a Women’s Forum tells me to feel empowered – that’s just good advice, right? They speak, I hear; we all go home! They’re not going to fight the good fight with me! But my manager – that’s a whole different story. When she tells me to do something – she commits to it as much as I do. She’s got my back! And that makes a world of difference – it gives conviction to words. That sentence is an action in itself.

When a Women’s Forum tells you to feel empowered – it feels like something selfish you are doing for yourself. Here’s an article that partly explains why! “Good girls are not demanding”, “Good girls adjust”, “Good girls are not opinionated” – and guess what – the learning becomes a part of one’s psyche! So that we think not twice but 4 times before asking for anything for ourselves. But here was my leader asking me to go right after what I need. It wasn’t ‘bother’ but a step forward in our collective effort.

She wanted me to ask what I wanted; to be vocal about my needs; that was an expectation of me! Which meant - this was a good thing! What a validation!

And when a female leader says this to you, you know there is an empathy that brings forward those words. Hearing those words finally makes me realize what I want to say to newer generations; this experience makes me see what I want to do.