It's fairly simple, Freud!

What women want is a mystery it seems. Freud started this sham. How convenient!

Who, irrespective of gender, does know their mind? And again, irrespective of gender, who really wants anything outside of the usual- love, respect, and good humour!

Recently, I witnessed / heard some stories of men who may or may not have read Freud. But who have definitely gotten it right as far as knowing ‘what their woman wants’ goes! (While I see these stories from a woman’s perspective, they can just as well be read as beautiful examples of companionship! :)) 

Couple of months back, we went to see the famed Flamingos of Bhigwan. Rather atypical of a tourist spot, upon setting foot in Bhigwan, one is not thronged by dozens of touts, each pushing his boats merits in your face. It is quiet and one or 2 fishermen will calmly approach you and ask if you wish to hire a boat. The negotiations are friendly and usually end on an agreeable note. In our case, we were approached by a fisherwoman. As is expected for a woman of her limited means, she was lean; but her eyes shone with keen intelligence. The usual negotiations regarding price and distance took place and a mutually agreeable arrangement was reached.

Since it was somewhat late in the day, we had to go quite a way out. On the way, we met a returning boat full of people, and our boatwoman introduced the boatman of the other boat as her husband. Then she went on to tell us how she usually did not take up boat-rides by herself, but had him by her side. With her stories and ours, we continued to float in pursuit of the elusive Flamingos. The pleasantly warm morning started to turn into a scorching afternoon, and as the sun rose we started to feel increasingly concerned about our boat-lady who was beginning to look rather weak. We turned around and started making for the shore, expressing the concern we felt; unfortunately, there wasn’t much we could do to help. Turned out there was someone who could though... and he did too! Just a little distance on our return route, sat the lady’s husband- waiting for us! Once we got closer, he swiftly jumped aboard and took over the oars from her. His care for his wife had brought him all that way out walking- after depositing his customers back to the shore! The relief that flooded the woman’s face on seeing him was more beautiful than any poem or love ballad ever written!

That’s something a woman wants- someone who understands the unspoken.

A little while after this incident occurred, I was narrating the story to my aunt; and she had her own little story displaying how without ‘higher’ education or culture-conditioning some people just instinctively get it right! They are sensitive enough to see, and brave enough to give, exactly what the other person wants.

This aunt of mine is a doctor by profession, and at present is a full-time counselor at a rural hospital in Alandi. She has consciously chosen this profile to fulfill what she sees as her commitment to society and her profession. She began to tell me about a couple who walked in for a pregnancy check-up. The woman naturally gave her case history, at which time, the first thing she mentioned was- she was HIV +ve (she did not have AIDS; she was HIV +ve). Naturally, the obvious sequence of questions followed- Did you know before the pregnancy? Was your husband aware of this? And, turns out- he was! She was HIV +ve due to breastfeeding from her HIV +ve mother. This man- her husband- was not HIV +ve; he was healthy in every way. He knew her history, her medical condition, and still wanted to be her life-partner! And now, they were having a baby- and both of them were doing all they could to keep it from inheriting this terrible legacy.

That’s something a woman wants- someone who stands by her.

The narrative left me speechless. My aunt is quite a creature. She told this story to me, and within minutes, she herself became a story in this same stream. As we rose from our tea and chat session, she happened to mention how she was looking up references and cases of HIV +ve couples so she could help this duo and then added- your uncle and I will be discussing it tonight. My uncle- her husband- is a doctor himself; yet, I found this rapport a bit surprising and said so as well- ‘You have conversations like that? Where you actually sit down and discuss?’… I could hear in her words and voice of her answer that yes- they not only spoke, but they shared the same language! How many couples, in this day and age, set aside an evening to have a quiet meaningful discussion- that doesn’t pertain to kids, money, family! It wasn’t surprising, of course, that they talk or discuss things… but they were actually taking out time to exchange ideas, share perspectives over something that was not strictly ‘personal’, but which she cared about – and hence, he cared about!

That’s something a woman wants- someone who listens.

Momentary Truth

He was like the rolling sea-
Ever changing form,
Ever in turmoil,
Finding his stability in motion.

The sea that touches the shore for one brief moment,
And rolls away-
Does he reveal his true nature in the surge…
Or the ebb?

His being here was real,
And so was that which drew him away,
His feelings- as true as they were transient...



-R

An unlikely path towards Nirvana...

For some time now, I have been trying to ‘arrange’ my marriage. I’m not sure how this is done elsewhere in the world, but in India, we have ‘marriage bureaus’... what the West euphemistically calls ‘Dating Services’ or ‘Singles Clubs’...

Like all young persons forced down this way, I spent quite some time agonizing over ‘being reduced to this’… and seriously thought of venting my frustration using the written word… had even considered some titles: ‘Close Encounters of the Arranged Kind’, ‘Single at <<insert appropriate age>>’, ‘Being unmarried in India’ –for a measure of Desi-ness… can’t you see one of these titles next to the latest Chetan Bhagat! :P

But then came my first spiritual breakthrough! Positivity, closely followed by Perspective. After all, the ‘arranged’ way is just another way of meeting someone, right? So statistically, you’re only increasing your chances of meeting someone. Of course, no denying the fact that there will be ‘suitable matches’ that are so far removed from your ideas of all that you imagined that you will want to despair! But only remember that jerk you went out with in college who used you as a dinner ticket; in case of guys, the chick who habitually drank your money, but danced with another; and you will be reminded, that it is not the system, but the incident that sucks!

Moving along the path of spiritual growth, it is of vital importance to shed pride… and trust me, nothing is as humbling as the feedback in the arranged marriage system! Giving complete strangers a right to judge you is one rude eye-opener! Pretty much a case of ‘Arranged Marriage- the great Leveler’ (Sorry James Shirley)! (Of course, it is important to remember that the judgment is without context; so no reason it should hit your self-esteem!) You may be smart, but you are not pretty; you may be pretty, but you’re not tall; you may be tall, but that may be too tall!! So, rather early in the process one realizes that whatever it is you pride yourself on, it may not be enough, and it is definitely not all!

As a corollary to the above, one also gets some valuable lessons in Tolerance- for judgment, for opinions… you see, in the great Indian Arranged Marriage- everyone has a say (and they will say it :P)! But you must be the larger person, and learn to pardon the pitiful ignorance that makes them blind to your many qualities; ‘Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they reject’! :P

Having learned humility and tolerance, the next lesson the arranged marriage aspirant learns is- ‘to see something to admire in all’; we never really realize how we scorn differences, do we? The well-read intellectual looks down on the pretty girl who knows her cosmetics… the city girl will look askance at the ‘newbie’ who can’t drive… we all have our criteria for judgment! Most of us function by set parameters- guy is a loser if he doesn’t earn this much, girl’s a dud if she can’t throw lavish house parties … but through the experiences in and around my sphere, I’ve realized how narrow this view is. That guy earning half your salary is probably in a relaxed job so he can devote his spare hours to making great music (true story!)… and the girl who is a bad hostess may be an intellectual author in the making! It’s rather interesting to see the story of a person and understand the life choices that shaped it. So basically, ‘Baalak, har insaan mein badapan hai… use dhoondo’!! :P

And then of course, there’s Patience. You will go into the ‘Market’ with the confidence of a distinction student applying for an MNC job… only to realize, it really isn’t that simple. There’ll be girls you fall in love with but who may not return your affection, guys who will appall you and refuse to quit calling, and ‘prospects’ so very different from what you imagined, that you will almost give up on the whole deal! But the point is- you won’t. :) When the next ‘match’ comes along, you will hope, and you will aspire, and you will give it your best shot… and if you can keep your temper and your smile through this- trust me, you’ve come a long way!

And while you are being patient, you will also learn that this does not in any way make a case for the much-advertised ‘Compromise’! What is ‘on your list’ is important to you, and under no circumstances should you let yourself be bullied. Let me tell you, this needs resilience equal to a Yogi! There will be well-intentioned aunties, well-married cousins, and Mommy going ‘Tick-tick-tick’ with her Body Clock imitation! But do not let these deter you, and bear on with your Chase! :)

So while my tryst with the ‘Arranged Marriage’ continues… I am yet to discover if I have ‘Wife-Skills’, but I’d like to think I’ve made rather good progress on ‘Life Skills’!

A’hunting we will go!

Finally, something did inspire me enough to post a blog! Strangely enough, as an inspiration this really isn’t anything deep and pensive… not at all a heavy meal for the thought system, honestly. Just one of those random incidents that start the ideas chugging along… traveling nowhere in particular and suddenly pulling up at a surprising destination!
          Let me begin at the beginning. This afternoon I met someone at work; a man I did not know, to be precise. Now this man came forth to my desk and struck a conversation. Having begun with this and that, the conversation soon went on to introductions. “Hi, I am Rahul…”, the guy drawled; I politely gave my name. This was followed by the typical awkward pause which characterises all introductions of this nature (you know what I mean!). This piece revolves around what is about to happen. I returned to staring at the screen, but was soon distracted by some activity in the periphery of my vision. I couldn’t help but notice that Rahul was frantically looking for something in all the pockets on his person. He tried the jacket, but the hand returned empty. The shirt pocket was similarly unhelpful. I was about to offer help, when he managed to fish something (presumably what he was looking for) out of his trouser pocket and opened his palm with a flourish- Happydent gum! Whatever it was that I had been expecting, this wasn’t it. I was too shaken to refuse and meekly expressed my gratitude.
          Now this strange ‘introductory offer’ started the mind rolling… the first obvious thought being, “Do I need to brush oftener??” Having ascertained that such was not the case, I explored alternative theories. This was not the first incident of its kind. I thought back and noticed a trend… I have always been offered gum by guys who’ve been ‘wanting to know me better’. And then I suddenly saw it! It was the ‘offering’! You know how the prehistoric man hunted, and dragged the loot to the prehistoric woman he wanted to ‘know better’? This was the same thing! Now dead bears went out of fashion a long, long time ago… So the average working man, handicapped by the lack of flowers or chocolates (which would be the logical first choice) at a workplace, offers the next best thing- Gum! Any woman who has worked in an IT company will tell you that Gum / Mint will definitely be an abundant resource on most male colleagues!
          Ha! So much for evolution! Though not conclusive proof, I feel pretty certain of the primitive instincts that still lurk within the Homo Sapiens Sapiens! Now I wonder what happens after the Gum offering… well, I ate it… I guess I should live up to my woman-ly ‘gathering’ instinct and save the wrapper! :P


:) Disclaimer: Although this incident is real, the names are entirely fictitious.