For
some time now, I have been trying to ‘arrange’ my marriage. I’m not
sure how this is done elsewhere in the world, but in India, we have
‘marriage bureaus’... what the West euphemistically calls ‘Dating
Services’ or ‘Singles Clubs’...
Like
all young persons forced down this way, I spent quite some time
agonizing over ‘being reduced to this’… and seriously thought of venting
my frustration using the written word… had even considered some titles:
‘Close Encounters of the Arranged Kind’, ‘Single at <<insert appropriate age>>’, ‘Being unmarried in India’ –for a measure of Desi-ness… can’t you see one of these titles next to the latest Chetan Bhagat! :P
But
then came my first spiritual breakthrough! Positivity, closely followed
by Perspective. After all, the ‘arranged’ way is just another way of
meeting someone, right? So statistically, you’re only increasing your
chances of meeting someone. Of course, no denying the fact that there
will be ‘suitable matches’ that are so far removed from your ideas of
all that you imagined that you will want to despair! But only remember
that jerk you went out with in college who used you as a dinner ticket;
in case of guys, the chick who habitually drank your money, but danced
with another; and you will be reminded, that it is not the system, but
the incident that sucks!
Moving
along the path of spiritual growth, it is of vital importance to shed
pride… and trust me, nothing is as humbling as the feedback in the
arranged marriage system! Giving complete strangers a right to judge you
is one rude eye-opener! Pretty much a case of ‘Arranged Marriage- the
great Leveler’ (Sorry James Shirley)! (Of course, it is important to
remember that the judgment is without context; so no reason it should
hit your self-esteem!) You may be smart, but you are not pretty; you may
be pretty, but you’re not tall; you may be tall, but that may be too
tall!! So, rather early in the process one realizes that whatever it is
you pride yourself on, it may not be enough, and it is definitely not
all!
As
a corollary to the above, one also gets some valuable lessons in
Tolerance- for judgment, for opinions… you see, in the great Indian
Arranged Marriage- everyone has a say (and they will say it :P)! But you
must be the larger person, and learn to pardon the pitiful ignorance
that makes them blind to your many qualities; ‘Forgive them Lord, for
they know not what they reject’! :P
Having
learned humility and tolerance, the next lesson the arranged marriage
aspirant learns is- ‘to see something to admire in all’; we never really
realize how we scorn differences, do we? The well-read intellectual
looks down on the pretty girl who knows her cosmetics… the city girl
will look askance at the ‘newbie’ who can’t drive… we all have our
criteria for judgment! Most of us function by set parameters- guy is a
loser if he doesn’t earn this much, girl’s a dud if she can’t throw
lavish house parties … but through the experiences in and around my
sphere, I’ve realized how narrow this view is. That guy earning half
your salary is probably in a relaxed job so he can devote his spare
hours to making great music (true story!)… and the girl who is a bad
hostess may be an intellectual author in the making! It’s rather
interesting to see the story of a person and understand the life choices
that shaped it. So basically, ‘Baalak, har insaan mein badapan hai… use dhoondo’!! :P
And
then of course, there’s Patience. You will go into the ‘Market’ with the
confidence of a distinction student applying for an MNC job… only to
realize, it really isn’t that simple. There’ll be girls you fall in love
with but who may not return your affection, guys who will appall you
and refuse to quit calling, and ‘prospects’ so very different from what
you imagined, that you will almost give up on the whole deal! But the
point is- you won’t. :)
When the next ‘match’ comes along, you will hope, and you will aspire,
and you will give it your best shot… and if you can keep your temper and
your smile through this- trust me, you’ve come a long way!
And
while you are being patient, you will also learn that this does not in
any way make a case for the much-advertised ‘Compromise’! What is ‘on
your list’ is important to you, and under no circumstances should you
let yourself be bullied. Let me tell you, this needs resilience equal to
a Yogi! There will be well-intentioned aunties, well-married cousins,
and Mommy going ‘Tick-tick-tick’ with her Body Clock imitation! But do
not let these deter you, and bear on with your Chase! :)
So
while my tryst with the ‘Arranged Marriage’ continues… I am yet to
discover if I have ‘Wife-Skills’, but I’d like to think I’ve made rather
good progress on ‘Life Skills’!
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